It's a good thing they flash the studio name across the screen at the beginning of a movie. It lets you know what to expect. MGM movies, for instance, have a lot of scenes. Paramount pictures have plots that tend to build up to a climax near the end. And the stories in Universal films are almost always situated around a central character.
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To the people of my region, sorry for that sleet yesterday. I was in a bad mood. I promise I'll get you some sunshine by no later than April. Someone was asking why the bass disappears near the end of Preteen Queen. That's the sound of you coming between me and my preteen queen. And the harmony disappears by the second verse. That's the sound of you coming between me and my preteen queen. By the songs end, you've blocked out the music altogether. Way to go. William Burroughs had a theory that Europeans are a mutant race. The Ice Age, which hit Europe the hardest, could have been caused by radioactive fallout from a huge meteor collision. Mutants always want to take over everything - like a cancer cell. These people minding their own business look out to the harbour one day and see an approaching boatload of Europeans who have sailed thousands of miles to destroy and enslave. I mean India was enough for the Indians. And America was enough for its native people. And Africa was enough for the Africans. But Europe wasn't enough for the Europeans. We're lucky most of their bloody wars have been against each other for the last thousand years or so.
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Soylent but Deadly I watched the sci-fi classic Soylent Green for the first time the other day. It's about the not-too-distant future. In about ten years time, New York City will become horribly crowded. You won't be able to set foot outside without accidentally stepping on a homeless person. Homeless people will cover the sidewalks and stairwells. But if you can manage to climb over them into an apartment, you'll have the whole place to yourself. Beautiful chicks will lounge around, smoking dope and playing video games, while everyone else is killing each other over a crust of bread. I could have told the writers that one. And the reason why we'll get so overpopulated is because we're not making enough food products out of people. Soylent Green is not enough. It should have a sauce. And what about dessert? We need to start stepping up production on these kinds of food products today or we're in trouble.
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You know what might be a better name for the local team? The Vancouver Killer Orcas. It's more localized and it sounds scarier. Orcas are already killer whales so killer orcas are even tougher. They use live penguins as projectiles in their water sports. Plus they're big. And it's incorrect English to say killer orca, like it is to say maple leafs. Just a thought. (Nothing against Canucks.)
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One side effect of being socially isolated is a greatly reduced ability for appropriate behaviour. I'm sure glad nothing like that has happened to me. Do you remember your first pubic hair? I remember mine. I was in the bathtub. There it was, poking out of my bare scrotum like a lunar flagpole. I was so proud. Did you get yours in your scrotum? It's funny that hair would grow there first because it ends up a lot barer than the rest of its region.
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Old School English No one speaks English right any more, like they used to back in the 19th century. This must be the influence of television shows that are not about the Old West. The word like should never begin a sentence. It should only end a sentence. It's not 'Like this guy is stupid', it's 'This guy is stupid like.' You should never say trying to when you can say fixing on in its place. A useful contraction that can double for is not and am not is ain't. And we seem to have dropped the prefix a- from several important verbs. It's not 'She's going to the store', it's She's a-going to the store. Sheer laziness. And what do you mean when you tell me you're afraid? Don't you mean afeared? I'm afeared I ain't a-going to understand no one till they start fixing on speaking English proper like.
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The D.S. Show/September 7, 2011

Me: Today on The D.S. Show we have a very special guest for you. He's a man who stood up to the establishment. He's a man who stuck his neck out to say the things everyone else believed and couldn't say. He's a man who refused to beg for his career as a superstar. You all know him so well that I don't even need to say his name! Let's hear for this amazing person! (Audience cheers. Enter a gypsy lady with a crystal ball. She puts the crystal ball on my desk.) Me: Sir, I know you had a tough climb to the top, but how do you feel about it now? Gypsy: He says he feels very peaceful about it. He says he can see everything clearly, as long as they use a squirt of Windox every once in a while. Me: That's great. And what do you like the most about your new life as a star? Gypsy: He says 'not having to shave.' Me: I see. One final question before we go to commercial. I know that you wanted people to donate to charity. Tell us now what your favourite charity is so that we can all comply. Gypsy: He says to leave your newborn infants on the doorstep in a basket with all your cash the next time a caravan passes through your town. ---------------------------------------- (Commercial for Windox. A supermarket.) Sally: Hey, Brad! Say, that's a mighty big bottle of Windox you have in your shopping cart. You must have some pretty dirty picture windows at home! Brad: I sure do, Sally, but that's not all I use my Windox for. Sally: No? Brad: No, I use it for all my cleaning needs. Sally: Like what? Brad: Like those tough underwear stains. Just pour some Windox on there and let it sit for an hour and they change in colour from yellow to a nice, peaceful blue. Sally: Wow! What else can you use Windox for? Brad: Well, don't bother buying toothpaste anymore. Just dip your toothbrush in Windox and you'll get your teeth sparkling clean. And it makes a fine mouthwash, too! Tastes just like Glisterine! (Brad smiles, showing off his bright white teeth.) Sally: But you don't even have any food in that cart, Brad. Brad: Who needs food when you have Windox? Just dissolve four or five vitamin pills in a glass of Windox and drink it down. Keeps you nourished and gets your intestines sparkling clean. Sally: Gee, I'm going to have to stop buying anything else and spend all my money on Windox. Brad: That's where the smart money goes. Announcer: Windox. What else do you need? -------------------------------------------- Me: And we're back. My next guest has been causing a sensation all over town since he got here from England - especially with the young ladies. Let's all hear it for John Merrick V! (Girls scream frantically. One girl breaks through security and tries to rip off Merrick's clothes. A guard drags her offstage. Merrick shakes my hand and takes his place in the guest chair. I sit at my desk.) Me: Wow! That was some enthusiastic reception you just got there. What's it like to be a teen heartthrob? Merrick: I don't quite understand it. They didn't notice me at all when I worked as a mad scientist's slave. Me: Yes, but you're a star now. And as an artist I don't mind telling you that you have a very distinctive look. Any advice to young men out there trying to emulate your image? Merrick: Short of cosmetic surgery, I'd advise them not to throw out their Hallowe'en masks. Me: Tell us about your new movie coming out. Merrick: Gladly. It's about a man who works in a factory, compounding hazardous chemicals to make beauty products. Me: Interesting. How did you land that role? Merrick: They said I wouldn't need makeup. Me: Of course. Now everyone has heard about your famous great great grandfather, the Elephant Man, but few until now knew that he fathered a child with that actress he was seeing. How do you explain this success the men in your family have had with women? Merrick: Simple really. We're as handsome as the Devil. And while you might not know it to look at us, our reproductive organs are as sound as our minds. Me: Why do you think your famous ancestor chose to end his life at the peak of his popularity? Merrick: Well, I'm given to understand that he was a most sensitive man, and he didn't like the way everyone in London kept making fun of his extremely long nose. Me: The poor fellow! Merrick: Yes, quite. Me: Time once again for a word from our wonderful sponsors, but when we return I'll be performing my new song with John Merrick V accompanying me on the organ grinder, so stay tuned!
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